Schilling Has Blue Ball Experience

All the blood was rushing threw his body he could feel it, he was almost there. And then.... Shannon Stewart lined a fastball into left field and it was gone. At 40 years old Curt Schilling almost tossed a no-hitter. He almost had the second biggest orgasm of his career (outside of the world series of course). In the end he was left with nothing but a stinging pain in in abdomen as one of baseballs greatest feats was snatched from him in the bottom of the ninth with two outs.


*Curt had agreed pre-game to let Sports Show On Mute mic him. Irony I'd call it, as I got the post-game conversation between he and catcher/captain Jason Varitek.

Varitek: Well that sucked. Sorry buddy.

Schilling: My groin hurts.

Varitek: Gettin' a little old for 9 innings are ya?

Schilling: I was almost there Jason, I almost... finished.

Varitek: What do you mean, finished?

Schilling: You know what I mean.

Varitek: Yeah, I guess. You almost got the no-no I get it, Curt. But we got the win at least. You pitched a hell of a game today. Wh- Why are you limping?

Schilling: IT hurts.

Varitek: What hurts?

Schilling: IT!

Varitek: I'll get the trainer...

Schilling: NO! There's a first time for everything. It's weird though. It almost feels.. as if Jessica Alba was giving.. (Varitek interrupts)

Varitek: Where are you going with this?

Schilling: Just go with it... she was giving me a beejer and she knew I was almost there and she just.. stopped. And walked away.

Varitek: Guess you shouldn't have shaken off that slider eh?

Schilling: I'm talking Alba, and IT! And your talking about sliders??

(Varitek walks away shaking his head)

Schilling: (clutching IT!) Where's CHB when I might actually need him?

*This is all completely false. As you all should have figured in the first place.

(Photo: MSNBC)